Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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