New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
