so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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