dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
