How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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