I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize