Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
