You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
