I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
