As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
third nipple confirmed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
