There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
