Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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