I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
