would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
