I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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