call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
