I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
