dude i'm inner monologue high
barbara walters just said penis...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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