So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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