I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
