I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
