I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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