everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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