the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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