So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
