I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
