Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize