Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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