How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
