apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
