i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
