you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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