I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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