I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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