I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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