I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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