I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
