I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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