im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
