i barfeds in our rink
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
