using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
