M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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