haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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