I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
