You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
