I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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