mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
