Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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