MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
