I cut my penus on the lid.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
