this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
