he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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