I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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