i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
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