I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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