She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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