Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
