You smell like a Billy Joel song
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
