i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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