you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize