so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
