hotel room ftw
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
