my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
